When I was engaged, I’d often imagine my future family. I always wanted a houseful of children, but my husband-to-be leaned towards a smaller brood. I wanted 5, he said 3. Always willing to compromise, we settled on 6.
Are We Having Fun Yet?
As a new mom, I would find myself easily frustrated with my little ones. I followed the rules, making sure they were fed, ‘napped’, and cared for. I did all the things I thought children needed, but I seemed to be missing something. My reality of a happy family wasn’t really coming to fruition. What was I doing wrong?
Mirror, Mirror
It took me years (sorry kids) to realize my primary parenting error. I was so caught up in the daily rhythm of rules and structure, that I brought angst to each situation. I was crying over every glass of spilt milk and unintentionally teaching my children to do the same.
Don’t Lower Your Expectations, Change Them
Not one to be dissuaded, I started taking notice of families where things WERE working. What were my friends doing that resulted in a more loving and peaceful home? As it turns out, the answer was quite simple.
My friends actually expected their children to act like children. (Yup. Take that in.)
When our two young families went on outings together, my friends ANTICIPATED meltdowns. They didn’t get angry or frustrated, they simply dealt with their children with love and grace. When milk was spilt, they wiped it up with a song. Spending more and more time together, their loving ways toward their children AND each other gave me and my husband a new perspective. Our parenting (and marriage) was forever changed.
Kind Kids Are a Product of Kind Parents
Children don’t respond to lectures on kindness as much as they respond to being treated kindly. Parents whom I’ve coached often tell me they are kind to their child and therefore can’t understand why the child seems to easily fly off the handle. These parents are not alone. They haven’t realized (yet!) the trick to teaching their child how to CHOOSE kindness.
Teaching radical kindness begins with being kind in the MOST stressful moments. It’s easy to be kind when things are going well, the house is clean, and all our work is complete. The real work comes when we are kind and calm despite the chaos.
Don’t Tell Me, Show Me
One of the most important things I do as a parent is to speak aloud when I am stressed. I do this so my children, with their very inexperienced brains can HEAR the process my mind is working through and then SEE the action I choose.
So, if we are running late for an appointment, and the kitchen and mudroom are overflowing with chaos, you may hear me say in a LOUD but NOT angry voice:
“Oh man, guys! The house is a mess, the dishes are EVERYWHERE, there is a ton of laundry, and we are running so late! Guys, I could honestly scream right now with how frustrated I am!”
And then I continue speaking without anger and without shaming anyone:
“UGH. Okay guys, mom needs you to just get the kitchen counters tidy while I take a minute to throw a load of laundry in before we leave! I can do the dishes when we get back. I just want to get the washing machine going while we’re out- it’ll just take us a minute!”
You may wonder, “How does this translate into kindness?” I’m glad you asked.
Calm Precedes Compassion
Kindness comes from a place of servitude. To be truly kind means putting aside our own stress and frustration, choosing not to act in anger toward another. It requires self-control. And that, my friends, must be taught.
If you have young children, this may look like staying calm despite countless interruptions to bandage another scraped knee. It means not yelling while frantically making lunch as the bus is rolling down the street. It means shifting your mindset.
With teenagers it means taking a really deep breath when you’ve just packed up your summer rental, piled in the car, and then realized the battery is dead. It’s 10pm and upon further investigation you realize your youngest child inadvertently left the interior light on for the past TWO days. (True story. Obviously still fresh.)
In that very moment I had a choice. I could do the things I’ve done before and lost my cool. But in a moment of grace, I chose differently. My two young teens, who’ve both struggled with ADHD and ODD, watched their mom show self-control, kindness and respect when it mattered most.
I stayed calm and told my older son, “it’s no big deal, this happens to everyone.”
My kids watched as I calmly called my brother-in-law to come jump the vehicle. When my older son used some choice words on his younger brother, I stepped in.
“Hey Matt, I need you to walk away. No one wanted this to happen, and Charlie didn’t kill the battery on purpose. I want to get home too. Let’s give him a break.”
Within 30 minutes we were on the road, but the story hasn’t been forgotten. A powerful lesson was reinforced. Despite stress and chaos, we can be kind and respectful.
Radical Kindness Never Comes Back Void
I know how frustrating it can be when our lists are long and our time is short. But if we recognize the POWER we hold in creating kind and compassionate children, we could wield that power in new ways.
So next time you’re ready to blow a fuse, take a moment to realize the amazing opportunity standing right in front of you. Allow your children to SEE and HEAR your frustration and let them WATCH you make the right choice.
Being kind and compassionate can absolutely be taught. But It’s best done by example.